The Relationship Phobe: It’s Not The Economy, It’s Me

For someone who tends to feel sick when even thinking about saying sorry this has taken a bit of working up to, but today I have something of an apology and confession to make with the former is particularly aimed at the people of my hometown because it they who have had to suffer the harsh consequences of my action.

So what is it I’ve done you ask? Well it’s good of you to ask because otherwise this would have been a rather short column. The reality is it’s less what i’ve done, but what I’ve allowed to happen. You see basically I have had a curse on me. By whom I don’t know and why I’m even less sure about, but you can be 100% sure it exists, and the worst thing about it is it not only affects me, but everyone where I live.

But I must be exaggerating. How can it have such a big impact? Well because this isn’t a curse that means I will always trip over when going out the door (I can do this all by myself) or that every meeting I go to will be a flop. This curse is that absolutely everywhere I take women on dates to will then promptly close down within at most two months of said event occurring.

But that’s just the recession you say. Businesses are closing down all over the place, and I would normally agree with you, however the thing is that I have, singlehandedly for the last 8 years of my dating life caused thriving businesses to suddenly fail and I can prove it.

First there was the swanky restaurant. Guaranteed to impress, and also totally empty my bank account for at least two months afterwards with it’s main courses that needed a microscope to be seen, this place was definitely a winner in terms of winning over the doubting woman I was attempting to date. And so what better place to go a month or so after we were actually dating (yes it was one of those stupid we’ve been dating for 39 days and 49 minutes affair) than back to the one of the first places we went out? It would be perfect. And so off we went…. to find it had closed down the day before.

Now back then I have to admit I didn’t think anything of this as it was the first to be hit with my curse, so merely found a new place that was perfect for brunches the morning after the night before. And so off I tootled with a new date (well she was new the night before..). Now this place really had it’s work cut out because we’d had a tiny little row that morning (also known as quite a quite a big one), but it was more than up to it. Having my date forgetting that she was trying to look incredibly moody within moments of arriving and being treated like they’d known her all their lives, the owners quickly made up for the damage I’d caused and far from seeing her rush off like she’d told me was absolutely crucial at 8am that morning, we ended up spending the whole day together. Nothing but a total and utter win.

Seeing swanky restaurant dropped quicker from my list of favourite places than well something that drops really quickly, I felt good. I had a new “impress my date” place, and the best thing about this one was it was open all day and all evening meaning whatever time I was dating I was going to be able to impress my gorgeous date with this gorgeous place.

Except it happened again. I didn’t go there for a few week and what happens? The blooming place (which was always packed) had only gone and closed with the owners opening a new place inside a gym…. well like that was going to work for taking people to on a date!!

But that’s just two right? A mere coincidence. Well yes if it stopped there. Quickly followed by the cocktail bar that made for perfect second dates, the Spanish restaurant that always put a smile on a date’s face with it’s slightly wacky interior design, the Italian that not only came highly recommended by me for impressing with it’s authentic flavours, but also the UK newspaper The Guardian, the stunning riverside bar with it’s views along the Thames that bought out the romantic in anyone and the hotel with it’s private mooring and secluded dining that was perfect for those “I’m gay, but not comfortably being seen to be gay when I’m out, but at the same time I want to be able to be all romantic and feel like I’m on a date” dates, it quickly became obvious not only to me, but also to my friends that there was only one factor that really linked all these.

Me.

Leading my friends rather rudely giving me a list of places that they’d prefer I didn’t go in as they would like the places to stick around, I have to admit I did what I always do and didn’t listen at all and decided to (secretly as I’m actually a little bit scared of them) to recently go on a date in a bar on the list. I mean come on as much as I say I’m cursed it seems too silly for words that I would be, and well I’m not taking some woman to a horrible bar just so everyone else can keep going to nice places (actually that doesn’t sound quite so good now I’ve written it on paper).

And you know what it was fine. I went past the place a few days after and it was still there. Well that proved it. I’m not cursed.

Well it proved it till this morning when I ran past it only to discover the place has now gone out of business…. which now leaves only one place in the whole town that I have managed to take a woman on a date that hasn’t closed. Only slight problem. It’s a strip joint. Like that’s going to go down well.

Photo credit: Marcin Wichary