I knew there was a good reason why since New Year’s Eve I have been living like a hermit – and quite a self-reliant one, I might add – and it has everything to do with the fact that getting all dolled-up has become too much of an industrious enterprise. Isn’t it simpler to just blow off my friends instead of going through the headache of having to spend an insurmountable amount of time figuring out what to wear?

Because we ladies all know that while our closets never run short of clothes we inexplicably never seem to have anything to put on. And even if we miraculous do, then expect something to inevitably go wrong. It’s either about the clothes that don’t fit, are uncomfortable, don’t match our taste du jour, or are about our delightful, self-deprecating mood – we feel bloated, unattractive, ugly, fat, and/or all of the above. Yet, in my case, I keep going through the ritual every time thinking this time might be different, which of course it never is.

The whole preparation bonanza is definitely more of an adventure than the actual experience of being out. I’m just saying! Because while I get ready with the psychological expectation that something imminently extraordinary is about to happen to me in the social world, the truth is that absolutely nothing ever happens. At this stage, the only extraordinary thing that is really enfolding is that my derriere is out partaking in this cultural thing called the social life instead of being at home vegetating on my couch, reading a good book or watching some mindless reality TV.

So what if I am temporarily anti-social? What am I really missing out on out there?
One thing for sure is that were I to increase the frequency of my social outings, I’d be missing out on some very important, intellectually challenging programming such as The Biggest Loser, Celebrity Apprentice and Top Chef.

I will have you know that I can be more comfortable and just as cute and fashionably glamorous at home. Don’t get me wrong, I have the money and I can certainly find the time but I just don’t want to. I’ve been meticulously practicing what my friend Edward calls the “visualization” technique. It’s like a time machine apparatus that allows me via one mental thought to project myself in the very near future. I am then able to vividly visualize myself in the social setting that I predictably foresee happening and if I don’t like what I see – and most times, I don’t – I simply turn down the invitation and offer no lame excuses or further explanations. Why justify myself, right?

Let’s tell it like it is, the older I get the more difficult it becomes to not only live with myself but even more so with THE others. I’m certainly not as tolerant as I used to be back when I was twenty-something and could easily put up with just about anyone and adjust to almost any environments. Now, evidently, at almost thirty nine years old, it’s a whole new scenario because not only have my priorities drastically changed but so have my standards.

Indeed, I have raised the bar – perhaps unreasonably too high? But honestly, I find it much more rewarding to be behind my own self-fabricated bars then, well … at the bar – if you catch my drift! My life – because mind you, I do have one! – has hands-down, for the best, become a monument to all things work related.
I’ve fabulously managed in my busy productive daily routine to work myself in my own schedule. Yep, I’m working on myself! I’m working up quite an insatiable appetite for work; I never get too worked up; I’m always at work; I know how things work; I have things in the works; I know how to work it; I make it work; I put in work on quality family time; I workout, and not only work off my invisible extra pounds but as well my debts. I’m surely working my way up and while I might seem to be a piece of work, it’s been working out for me!

With that in mind, I will not apologize for being super selective when it comes to social solicitations from the outside world because more often than not, even when I take all the necessary precautions to avoid a potential disaster, I am brutally reminded that I am absolutely not immune to it.
A couple of weeks ago, I foolishly agreed to grace my intimate group of wild nightclubbing lesbians with my precious presence. We all met at the usual West Hollywood Thursday Ladies’ Night hang for what was originally billed as a casual rendezvous.

It would be too much work to recount in details the whole blah blah blah of my voyage into the night and for the sake of cutting to the chase I will jump to the annoying part.
When I took a break from the brouhaha of the crowd and stepped outside on the patio to light up a nicotine stick, I was almost immediately accosted by some teenaged-looking lesbian who found it terribly irresistible to aggressively hit on me. Any normal person would have probably been flattered, but I, instead, was highly aggravated. She maneuvered to corner me against the wall, got me stuck between the trash and one of the outdoor tables and proceeded to deliver a flurry of absurd pick-up lines that left me royally unimpressed.

Sorry but the cougar zeitgeist has totally lost its cachet for me. I’ve certainly been there, done that and the one thing I know now I don’t want is someone whose birth year is anywhere within or after the 80s. Seriously, how can I move forward if I’m a decade behind?

But it surely didn’t seem to bother miss thing who I guess was looking for her Mrs. Robinson. While she was totally under the influence of the “oh wow” intoxication, I had more of an “oh No” expression written all over my face. Yet she didn’t get the hint. Instead she confidently demanded that I buy her drink – why? I asked myself, because I was the older one? I would have probably considered it had she been less of a juvenile mess and had she not made the ultimate blasphemous mistake of identifying me as French Canadian instead of French.

In the big scheme of things, this little episode was certainly humorously entertaining but I usually prefer to watch reality shows as opposed to live them. That’s the very reason why I choose to stay home – I don’t waste my time and my energy, not to mention my money. Believe it or not this nightly expedition cost me an exorbitant $15 for just a diet coke and the valet parking. I would have been better off driving to Ralphs! At least I would have parked for free and would have gotten ten times the quantity of soda for the same price. I’m not being cheap but in times of economic recession I have to be frugal with my per diem.

More than a motto, staying home has become my philosophy. Maybe it’s a biological symptom that innately comes with age, or maybe it has something to do with the fact that I made it one of my 2010 resolutions to willing choose quality over quantity. Either way, I think I’m finally growing up … or is it getting old?

Would a straight girl dare to go undercover as a lesbian in order to get attention? One gay man is making that accusation. This week Emily tries to decipher who is gay and who is not. Also, sex is the only goal for one gay gal and being employed requires more than just “thinking” yourself into a job…how to get your lazy girlfriend off your couch for good!

Dear Emily,

I am a 32 year-old gay male and although your columns deal with lesbians, I love to read them and apply them to my life. I have a younger sister that has lost a child in a car accident and has also suffered a miscarriage. Yet, she is only 24 years old and has been through a lot. She recently was released from a short jail sentence and claims she fell in love with a girl. Part of me doesn’t believe that she is gay, and that she is simply using this girl to gain some attention and love. How come I can’t support her decision?

Thanks,

Gay Brother with a new Gay Sister

Dear Gay Brother,

Your sister needs her own Lifetime movie. This is very dramatic and yet, I have a hard time feeling much sympathy. This is because I believe that the greater our past pain, the greater our awakening and engaging of our inner life. I would embrace her every moment, her every decision and her every thought. They are all leading her to where she belongs. And who are you to decide where she belongs?

I am very intrigued at a person that asks a question regarding someone else’s issue. In theory, it leads me to believe that they are avoiding their own life and their own problems. You asked the correct question when you said, “How come I can’t support her?” In which case I can then point out how much you do not support yourself. Are you there for you?

You cannot support another person in their decisions, landmarks or triumphs if you do not support your own decisions, landmarks and triumphs. We have the uncanny ability to pretend we care for others when we suffer greatly at caring for ourselves.

You care that she is possibly pretending to be gay for attention? With that question, I can clearly see that you manipulate to get love. Think about that for a moment. What do you do in your life to assure yourself of love and acceptance? This burning theory that requires she lie for attention is only proof that you see it in yourself.

It is none of your business if she is lying to others or herself. Watch her and marvel at her uniqueness, observe her individuality and ask yourself why you are judging. Tell your truth. Tell people that you manipulate them to get love and attention. We all do this in some way, shape or form.

We are all liars in our own right. If we can only see that, we can consistently seek to transform it. The only love you need that means anything is yours. And the only love your sister needs that means anything is her own. Everything else is just interesting and fun!

Love yourself. Be your best friend. You have no other option—this is the goal, this is the master key. Inquire within about what you need then give that to yourself. And only then will you be able to fully accept others for all they are and all they are not.

As far as your sister goes, this isn’t about her. But if you mind your own business, you can better comfort and listen to her without passing any judgment whatsoever. Wouldn’t that be something?

Dear Emily,

My girlfriend is really into the Law of Attraction. She is so into it that she sits around all day and believes that money will fall from trees and a magic fairy will pay the rent by just thinking it! She lives in my house and watches movies all day. And all she wants to do is have sex all the time. That doesn’t pay the bills! Does this law really work?

Tired of paying for everything,

Mo

Dear Mo,

Tell the bitch to get off your couch and get a damn job. While you’re at it…is she hot? Because you can send her to my house and I will show her—I mean, tell her to get a life! Some people have a lot of nerve wanting to have sex all day…bitches.

I have to admit that we are master creators. What we think expands and what we want attracts. But you will get nowhere if you don’t make movement toward something—anything!

I have attracted all things in my life. We all have. I am the only one responsible for all that comes into my experience. We have say in all of it and how we react to it. However, you can imagine, visualize and feel the right and perfect job, mate or financial situation, but if you sit home staring at the wall—it won’t happen.

I know so many people that think they know what the Law of Attraction is, but have it all backwards. Your girlfriend, sitting around waiting for her thoughts to manifest may be one of them.

In brief: Thoughts alone are nothing but thoughts. But once you place a strong feeling with the thought, the creation can begin. The higher our positive vibration—accompanied with the thought of we want to create, in time with practice can bring about a physical manifestation. We do this all day without even knowing we are doing it. Everything we are continuously focusing on and feeling eventually comes into our experience—always.

As far as the couch potato, you could give her an ultimatum or toss her to the curb. But, you do not have to tolerate paying the way for someone that could be taking advantage of you. You can always continue to date and tell her she needs to move out. If she gets upset that is her problem. You need to take care of you and what makes you happy.

Now, let us get back to this whole sex thing. You are complaining because…?

This week Emily wonders how some people can bitch all day long and never even notice. Some lesbians just can’t stop complaining! And what about those selfish bitches? There may be more than meets the eye when it comes to certain lesbians that cannot see beyond their own self-absorbed behavior.

Dear Emily,

I have a close friend and all she does is complain. She literally does not seem to stop. Thankfully, we now live in separate cities, but low and behold, she calls everyday to bitch about women, money, sex, mutual friends and what have you. I am seriously at my wits end because it I so frustrating. It is like she enjoys being miserable.

Katherine

Dear Katherine,

Umm. I don’t know. Don’t answer the phone I guess?

You said it, sister. The answer is yes, she enjoys being miserable. Hooray! You win an over sized pink dog stuffed with wood chips and a gold fish in a zip lock bag! But, don’t thank me…yet.

She may claim that she would never actually choose to be miserable, but she indeed knows no other way. If she knew what is was like to be happy and joyful, she would. She really would.

People who complain a lot do not realize that they are doing it so incessantly. If they realized that we were all secretly wishing they would disappear for our view then maybe they would get a clue. Complaining bums people out—big time. No happy, normal functioning adult wants to listen to their friends complain.

Oddly enough, when you try to help a compulsive complainer, the more they will attempt to defend their awful, miserable, broke, and lonely life. They actually defend it. It usually sounds like, “I know, but…” Complainers love the “but”. They will defend their right to be frustrated and annoyed with life and they will take it to the bank—each and every time.

The irony is that complainers are waiting for their lives to change in order to stop complaining about it. However, the more they complain—the worse their lives get. Step one is to consciously stop verbalizing your complaints.

I rarely say a word about myself in my advice columns. I’m certain nobody cares what the hell I ate for dinner last night and with whom, but I will tell you this much: No one knows complaining better than me. A very long time ago, I was the absolute worst. And to top it off, I seriously had no idea that I was doing it so often and so annoyingly until my mother—the person that heard the most of my complaining—told me never to call her again until I had something “good” to say. I hung up the phone and was like “fuck her.”

Eventually, it all made sense. I realized she was right and I decided I would literally not say anything at all to anyone if it were not good—even if my thoughts were bad—I was not going to allow myself to verbalize them. Period. I was on a mission.

It felt like I barely spoke more than ten words in the two or three months that followed. And the more silent I was, the more I realized that all this silence used to be filled with complaints. I was suddenly so embarrassed because I was very aware of why no on was dying to hang out with me.

You are not off the hook either. You are tolerating this and she truly does not know how awful she sounds—I swear. I would tell her that only when she has something “good” to say should she be allowed to call you. Great, I’m my mother. But, I promise you will be doing her the biggest favor and she will thank you for it one day.

And mom, please don’t email me about this. It was difficult enough to admit you were right about something.

Dear Emily,

My ex-girlfriend and I are very good friends. But the reason we broke up was that I couldn’t handle how everything she said revolved around her and her life only. It was like no one else existed in her world. Her favorite past time was talking about herself. I was invisible! Eventually, I broke up with her because it was never reciprocated on her end. That, and I think she was in a relationship with herself! We are close, but I have a hard time understanding what her problem is with her being so self-centered. I feel like if she were not so selfish, we would still be together.

Thanks!

Shannon

Dear Shannon,

And if no one ever shot John Lennon, the Beatles might still be together.

By the way, I would much rather listen to a person talk incessantly about themselves than fain interest in my life. You know those people that are pretending to listen and have no idea that it’s so obvious?

I’m sorry—what? Did you say something?

But, back to you. You broke up for a reason—keep it that way.

I love hearing people ramble on about their lives (as long as they are not complaining), it can be great fun to really delve into the minds of people. However, I take it that you already have delved into her life enough. Got it. Okay, so good thing it’s over.

Hearing about other people is fascinating. The strange irony is that she is thinking about you more than you would ever realize. Because someone that is so self-centered is incredibly concerned about what other think of them. Insecurity at its finest!

For example; If you are absorbed so deeply in your own life and it’s all about you, there is a serious need to impress, please and endear the people around you. If there was not that need, you would be asking all about them and you wouldn’t even care to talk about yourself really.

Instead of seeing selfish people as awful, conceited morons we can look at them and have empathy, understanding that they are caught up in their minds with high levels of stress, worry and fear of what others think of them. If only we knew how little people thought about us, then we wouldn’t be putting forth all that useless effort to impress.

Do you lie and manipulate to get love? This week Emily pontificates about what it means to be a master manipulator. Also, a look inside the life of one lesbian that is simply never wrong. Ever.

Dear Emily,

I have a huge problem. My partner and I have been together for about a year and she is so manipulative. She is 30-years-old and I am hitting 40 this year. It seems like she lies and manipulates to get me to love her or give her attention. I am always catching her in little lies, I feel so betrayed. And when I call her on it she screams and yells at me. She threatens that she can find someone else easily because other women flirt with her. I feel like she is manipulating me for attention. Does that make sense?

Thanks!

Cory

Dear Cory,

Not only does it make sense, it happens all more often than people realize. You happen to be wise enough to notice that you are being manipulated, others never see it and live out their relationships in mass confusion, always wondering what they did wrong.

I had a friend, lets call her bitch—I mean, Sally. Sally was a real treat to be around because all she did was lie and when you didn’t believe her, she would just start yelling at you. Sally had a girlfriend that was so scared that she would lose Sally because Sally literally brain washed her into thinking she was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Sally would literally say, “I am a catch. I am perfect, beautiful, smart and funny and any chick out there would be glad to be with me. If you don’t see that, you can leave. I don’t need you.”

The truth was that Sally needed her girlfriend more than anything. She was so afraid of being abandoned that she would try to convince her of how fabulous she was. Sally would go as far as to pretend she was out having a blast, when in actuality she was at home desperate and scared.

Sally was not fun to be around.

Manipulative people are not happy. Their deepest and darkest fear is that they will be left in the cold, alone and sad.

They must manipulate, lie and deceive in order to control. With that control, your whole world becomes an inner struggle to be happy and everyday is a constant juggling act—never being able to drop the ball. It is a full time job with no vacation. They feel if they give up the control, they will have no path to lead them to love. The road will be broken.

Tell her you feel her manipulating you and that it does not feel good. Have an honest conversation about what it is that is really bothering her. Somewhere deep in her past, she was emotionally injured and abandoned. Get her to talk about it. Let her understand that you love her as long as she is being honest about her feelings.

It is so much easier to hear, “I’m feeling insecure and sad, and I wonder where that is coming from” rather than, “All the girls want me and you better notice what you have before it’s gone.” What fun.

Dear Emily,

My girlfriend honestly thinks that she is always right. It drives me seriously crazy! I can’t disagree with her about anything or she freaks out on me. The worst part is that she is completely unaware of how this disturbs the people around her. Our friends and I are afraid to have our own opinions. I really care about her but I am ready to walk out the door if she doesn’t change…and fast!

Thanks in Advance,

Victoria

Dear Victoria,

Would you like me to go to her house, sit her down and tell her she needs to change in order to suit your needs? Trying to change people is a waste of time. I cannot stress this enough—a serious waste of your precious time. So, good luck with that!

However, she has a need that is being disguised as self-righteousness. People that are so afraid of being wrong feel as if they will lose the power and control they think they have over their little world. Hence, if they lose that power they will somehow become unloved. Interestingly enough, those with a need to be right have control issues that are usually so beyond the usual way of thinking.

“If you’re not for me, you’re against me” is their motto and there is no in between, no middle ground—a black and white world. Their biggest fear is not being loved. And they believe that if you are in disagreement with them that means that you secretly hate them. Everything is personal. Everything is about them. All things in the world they can somehow link back to themselves and not in a “we are the world” way, but in a self-serving, self-surviving way that only sees the world in black and white, gray is an unknown area that they have never seen.

How scary would that be to show someone color for the first time when they have been colorblind their whole lives?

People with this level of needing to control and be right almost never have original thought. Because original thought is always brought out of an open mindedness. Black and white viewers live in extreme narrow mindedness. Therefore, they usually live their lives through what others have told them and verbatim, they will somehow copy and paste the thoughts of others into their own minds.

A love-filled life for them cannot come easy. The narrow mindedness is there and a closed heart does not leave much room to let love in even when it is being thrown at you. They will question other people’s love because love is only one color in their eyes and an extreme love is the only one they understand. They usually are not in relationships because they think someone needs to show them love by writing it in the sky with a plane. Remember, no middle, no in between—just extremes.

Fear is running her. Tell her and show her that you love her unconditionally (umm, or not) and that when you disagree with her it only means you and she have not had the same life. Nobody has a twin. We all were raised in different ways, see the world differently and no one view is ever likened to the other. It is impossible.

We all have a right to our opinions, but frankly, forcing your opinions on others so that they will “think” you are right is just another way of saying, “I care so much about what you think of me that my whole sense of self depends on your thoughts about who I am.” I would rather have root canal all day long for a year then give a rat’s ass about what someone thinks of me. Why care what is in someone else’s head? Strange, when you think about it.

Check out our Columnist Bios page to find out more about Emily.

Your New Year’s resolution is calling and this time around, you can really keep your word! This week Emily gives us some tools and tricks on how to kick a habit or quit smoking for good and be the happiest you can be in 2009.

Dear Emily,

This year, I desperately want to keep my New Years resolutions. My biggest one is quitting smoking. It has been ten years and every New Years I tell myself I will quit. Why is it that I can’t stay with it? I feel like it’s near impossible. Why is it so hard to keep resolutions?

Help,

Rhoda

Dear Rhoda,

You are not alone. Eighty percent of people renege on their resolutions in the New Year. Okay, so I made that statistic up, but it sounds about right doesn’t it?

The reason why it is so hard for people to keep their word to themselves is usually because we cannot tolerate the pain that is associated with the quitting of long-term habits. The truth is that we can tolerate it. W can do anything, actually.

Here is the thing. Quitting smoking is never going to be easy. I have heard many friends say that they will quit when it is not a stressful time in their lives. They have a friend in town, they are fighting with their partner, they have to go to the dentist…whatever excuse there is, they’ll use it.

It is never going to be a good time to quit. I am sure you don’t even want to. I love smoking. It is great! But I quit after smoking a pack a day for twenty years. I didn’t want to quit. I just knew I needed to. And let me tell you it was the worst month of my life. Everything went wrong; I was being tested left and right. All signs pointed to buying a pack. But I knew that if I suffered (and I mean seriously suffered) that I would get through it.

There are real benefits for quitting smoking. Yes, you will smell great. Yes, you will be healthier. But the real surprise for me was that I suddenly got my life back. When you are addicted, the cigarettes control you. Everything is planned around how, when and where you can smoke. When is the intermission? Where is the balcony? Where is the smoking section? Where can I buy cigarettes at this hour? The list goes on and on.

Suddenly, I had nothing to think about, nothing to plan for and nothing to stop me from doing anything. The month that I suffered made me even stronger than I thought I was. The benefits outweigh the hassle of quitting.

People are very worried about gaining weight when they quit. The trick is to not alter the way you were living before. You don’t even need to give up coffee. Do everything as usual. I only suggest that it is a good time to pick up a sport, if you do not already have one. True, I gained five pounds. But damn, I feel good. You can’t do everything perfectly, nor should you expect yourself to.

After you quit smoking, pay close attention to the empty space inside of your abdominal area. You will feel like something is missing, something that you need to fill. Expect this because it will happen. People believe that this “hole” is real and they then try and fill it with food.

This ‘hole” is mind-made. It is not real. It is your brain telling you that you have to smoke. Your brain has been trained to smoke. And just because you made the decision to quit that does not mean that your body will automatically follow that choice. But you must be the parent to your health and ignore the trappings of the addiction. The addiction wants to stay because it is painful when it leaves. Let it be painful.

Every year 5 million people worldwide lose their lives to smoking related diseases. It is near certain that they all thought that they would quit “someday”.

It is not supposed to be easy. If it were easy, we would do it in a heartbeat. No one has ever died from quitting. Although, it may feel like it at the time, but you will get through it—I promise.

Keeping resolutions puts our integrity in position. It makes us feel good to keep our word because we are living our truth. The Universe will give you everything you desire when you keep your word at all times.

Keeping your integrity with yourself feels better than any addiction ever could. This year, do what is best for your happiness and you can’t lose.

Hints for Keeping A New Year’s Resolution:

– Expect for it to be difficult
- Look forward to the challenge
- List the benefits
- Sit with the uncomfortable feeling; don’t avoid it
- Know that this feeling will pass
- Keep your eye on the outcome
- Look at it as retraining your brain to think differently
- Test your own strength
- Know that pain is necessary for growth
- Remember it’s not easy and do it anyway!

Dear Emily,

I have been with my girlfriend for 5 months. I am really into her, but she never seems to be where she says she will be. She almost never answers her cell phone when I call and usually says her phone didn’t even ring. Every time there is a party or gathering, she doesn’t invite me and always has a reason why she has to go alone. I am constantly paranoid that something is going on. She insists that everything is fine and my friends think I am over-reacting. Am I??

Thanks!

Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,

You are absolutely not over-reacting. Actually, you are practically under-reacting! Why are you insisting on being a chump? This is infuriating to hear that people allow themselves to be treated this way and think it may be “normal”. You need to talk to your girlfriend and let her know that she needs to respect you and this relationship. I am always surprised by the amount of women that think this behavior is tolerable. She knows exactly what you are putting up with and how to work you over into believing her. She rarely answers her phone and doesn’t take you to parties? Sign me up!

Tell her that you are on to her as well as the fact that she is hiding something (and I promise that she is). Until you do that, she will continue to think you are the most gullible human being on the face of the earth. I cannot advise you to leave her or not but I will tell you that if you stay, you may as well get a pillow and curl up on her doormat.

You have got to stand up for yourself immediately. Is your self-esteem so low that you actually think that this is okay? This is not right, normal, good or healthy. You deserve better and the only problem is that you don’t see that. Look, there are women out there with working cell phones that will be proud to bring you to a party. Settling for less is not an option.

Dear Emily,

My girlfriend is very close with her ex. I know they are no longer attracted to each other sexually, but I know they had a great connection and I feel like I will never measure up. How can I deal with their friendship without feeling like a third wheel?

Thanks,

Alicia

Dear Alicia,

Please remember that her ex is her ex for a reason. If you feel like a third wheel, don’t hang out with them; take up tennis. However, we draw very strong connections with people throughout our lives and rarely know why. Your girlfriend and her ex may have some sort of bond that may be conducive to their growth. As well do the two of you! It is simply that every relationship is different (we hope!).

What does “measuring up” mean, anyway? The only person you need to measure up to is you. Comparing yourself to anyone is completely insane. When we compare, we suffer. Always. No sense in feeling like a third wheel, go out with your own friends and have a good time. If you can’t tolerate it, you can always request that they don’t see each other anymore (and you do have that right), but it seems harmless. And besides, if you’re secure then your girlfriend will take notice and appreciate the freedom.

Or just ask them to have a threesome and see if your girlfriend doesn’t feel a sudden connection with you.

Dear Emily,
My girlfriend is constantly questioning where I am, whom I am with, and what I am doing. It is making me crazy! If she even sees me looking at another girl, it turns into a fight. I have to always reassure her, but I am tired of living like this. What can I do help her stop being so jealous?

Thanks,

Connie

Dear Connie,
All of the assurance in the world will not help her to quit being jealous. That would just be a waste of everyone’s time because even if you spend twenty-three hours and forty-three minutes a day reassuring her, she will only notice the seventeen minutes in which you had other things to do with your life.

You cannot make someone change. Her jealousy has nothing to do with you, no matter how hot you may be! Sorry. This is about her and her own issues. If you want to stay with her, you have to first, accept her exactly the way she is. Wishing someone would behave differently is like standing in the middle of the hot desert and hoping it will snow.

And second, you can really help her to see what it was in her childhood that made her feel so vulnerable to being left behind. Our essential job in relationships is to support our partners in their growth. Once she figures out why her fear of you abandoning her is so scary, she will consistently be able to recognize why she has this unrealistic fear whenever her jealousy arises. She can then equate her “earlier similar” loss to her present feeling every time it comes up. After time, the connection between the two will be automatic and her jealousy will eventually subside.

Help her along her path or get out of the way. But whatever you do, do not keep trying to reassure her, you will end up in the same dance for eternity.

Dear Emily,

I have been single for a few years and all of my closest friends are in relationships. I am jealous of the fact that they have someone and I don’t. It is becoming really hard to be around them because I am always the solo one! I hate feeling this way, I sound like the angry chick with five cats. On that note, I am on some dating sites, am I going about this the right way?

Thank you!!

Chelsea

Dear Chelsea,
Instead of looking at your friends relationships negatively, try to see them and say, “That’s what I want” as opposed to “I don’t have that!” It will make a big difference in the way you feel. Your friends and their relationships can give you an idea of what you want in a partner, so use that to your advantage. Change your perspective to look at them as what you will soon have and not what you are doomed to be without. It will positively change your outlook. Keep in mind we will never have the relationship we want until we are truly happy being alone. I am sure there are times that your friends envy you for being single. The grass is always greener, right?

On another note, be on every dating site in the world as long as it makes you happy. But if you are begrudgingly annoyed at the frustration of it all, then you will attract nothing but negative people (after all, like attracts like). And therefore defeating the purpose, don’t you think? Look on the dating sites with hope and a smile. If you are having a bad day, do not enter the site.

Most importantly, do you know what you want in a woman? Looking for a life long partner without knowing what you are looking for sounds a bit strange. Although, most people do this! If you were shopping for a new car, would you just blindly go out and get one? It’s a good idea to know what you want before you look. Make a long list. What is she like? How does she treat you? How does she make you feel? What do you two do for fun? The more specific you are, the better. Get exited that she is on her way.

See it. Believe it. And she will come.

Dear Emily,

My partner and I have been together for 3 years now. She was in a relationship when I met her and we had an affair. Her ex is still in her life. When ever something comes up that involves her ex she will go, but I cannot.

Her ex still tells her she loves her and my partner still has to say I love you at the end of every conversation they have. She only goes to her ex’s house when I am at work. I try to call her when she is there and she doesn’t answer. The first year we were together she was stilling sleeping with her ex. I want her to make a choice.

On a good note, we love all the same things and we get along great with the one exception. Hopefully you can help me find my way.

Sincerely,

Lost

Dear Lost,

Did you say, “On a good note, we love the same things and get along great with the one exception”?

In my opinion, you are doormat in denial. You are not allowed to go to events with your partner when her ex is present? And she goes without you? This is not okay. It sounds like you are taking the “I am so understanding” stance. That is the stance the doormat takes when they are too afraid to lose their partner.

Your partner has to say, “I love you” at the end of their conversations? You have got to wake up. You are being manipulated and taken for a ride. This is a very big deal. I don’t care if you get along other than this one issue. This one issue is not small.

You may be thinking about giving her an ultimatum. You would like her to choose between the two of you? Are you not able to make that decision for yourself? You have repeatedly told her that this upsets you, yet she continues to see her. She has already made the choice not to respect your feelings. You need to decide how much longer you will tolerate this.

On top of that, she cheated with this woman in the beginning of the relationship, she met you through an affair, she continues to see this person while excluding you, she does not answer her phone when she is with her, she leaves you out of events that her ex will be at…my question is, are you sure this is an ex?

There are plenty of people in the world that will respect your feelings and be loyal to you. Never settle for scraps.

Stop sugar coating the issue. If she loves you so deeply, why is she making you feel so awful? You have a right to make your own decisions on whether you stay or go. Do not leave it up to her. If you do, she will continue to have her cake and eat it, too. And you will continue to be angry and bitter.

Life is not a dress rehearsal.

Dear Emily,

I am career driven and I love children. I am a former foster Mom of many, a youth mentor and a health care missionary. I have dated, but when they don’t stay around long enough to sample my excellent culinary skills, hear that I’ve lived all over the world or listen to my voice of human advocacy, I chalk it up to them not being worthy. Did I mention that I’m also not bad looking?

I met a woman a year ago. She is a mess when she isn’t being the most lovable and sweet person. BUT…no career drive, doesn’t read if it isn’t comics, and terrible etiquette. I watch CNN and she watches cartoons. I attend school and she delivers phone books for cash. I work as a P.A, and she stands on the side of the road praying to be picked up for day labor. I’m reaching goals and going after dreams, and she sleeps ’til Noon and collects food stamps.

I’m so okay with walking away. It’s the years you can’t get back. I just can’t see investing anymore where there is no opportunity for growth.

I have one foot out the door… What do you think?

No Hope

Dear No Hope,

I had no idea you cannot get years back. I am sorry about that. I usually keep my past few years in a Public Storage vault in case I want a redo.

And by the way, you won’t get the weeks back that you continue to sit on the fence, either. One foot out the door doesn’t sound very comfortable.

I do not believe, however, that you are finished growing with her. I mention that because you seem to be very independent and therefore, you do not need partnership in your life. What is it that hurt you?

You seem to have this all figured out. She is not very smart and you have the knowledge of the universe lying at your feet. Is that it? Believing that you have it all figured out is the cause of great ignorance in this world.

If you are not willing to help her grow anymore, then by all means leave. But has the thought ever occurred to you that she is in your life to teach you something? You exist in this scenario, too. You are both equal and both have something to learn from the other.

There is something you are getting out of the parent/child relationship. The question I have is; are you willing to give up your role? Do you know why you have created this woman in your life? If you think it was all some big mistake, think again. There is a very specific experience you were supposed to have, as well. This is not just about her. Could it be that tolerance, humility and equality play a role? Only you know.

Years are never wasted. You simply have not looked for the silver lining yet. Time is never a waste, but not reflecting on the value of this relationship is.

It seems that you are very skilled at giving. The art of receiving is just as difficult. It is no wonder you created this woman in your life that has given nothing. You would be hard pressed to invite a giver into your life until you become open to receive. Until you are open to receive, you will continue to complain that no one supports you.

Whether you stay or go, you deserve love just as much as she does. Human accomplishments can sometimes pale in comparison to spiritual introspection.

Dear Emily,

My girlfriend and I have been in a monogamous relationship for almost 2 years. Three months ago, I found out that she cheated on me with some random girl at a club. They slept together, but it was only the one time. I cannot seem to get past it. We are still together, but I cannot trust her. She came clean about it so should I forgive her?

Thanks,

Gina

Dear Gina,

If you want to forgiver her, then you will. If we are always seeking out what we should or should not do according to what we think is right or wrong, it can get pretty confusing. It’s like those people that think they should be angry because their parents let them down or someone hit their car when they were never bothered by it so much, but they heard it was surely something to be upset about, so they were. This is truly about thinking for your self. Buddha once said, “Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.” Does staying with her agree with you? What does your gut tell you?

Most importantly, do not stay because you have a “history” with that person. If I hear that one more time, I may jump off a bridge. “But, but, but…we have a past!”…”What?! You two had a past?!! Stop…surely you are joking!” I have a past with my favorite brand of coffee, but if they go out of business I am not going to call the company and say, “But we had a past!”

The other wrong reason to stay is because you are so convinced that you cannot do better and that someone else may get her. “But I cannot even stand the thought of her with another person!”…”So, stop having the thought of her with another person!”

In my opinion, if you cannot get past it then it’s time to move on. It would be counter-productive for both of you to stay in a relationship without trust, let alone happiness. Building back trust in a relationship takes diligent communication, patience, and love (for yourself).

I don’t condone cheating, but I do condone forgiveness. Forgiveness frees us of resentment that will eventually build and kill any semblance of a relationship. Forgiveness is for us. It starts with realizing that this is not about you. This is her issue from her life history. It is up to you whether you stay with her or not…

…But forgive her either way.

Dear Emily,

I am single because I cannot stay faithful when I am in a committed relationship. I really want to be with only one person, but I feel like I can’t control myself when opportunities arise! I want both worlds but I know I can’t have them. How do I keep from cheating in my next relationship?

Erin

Dear Erin,

When did you lose control over your self? If you are not controlling you than who is? I love this question because we pretend like we cannot help it. We simply must sleep with whoever asks us. We are puppets being controlled by aliens. Of course you can control yourself, you just chose not to. You would rather do what is easy and cheat than do what is difficult and say “no” to temptations. This is what we call “adulthood”. You can’t always do what you want at any given moment. But we can change our perspective and look at monogamy as something cool, amazing, fun, interesting and adventurous. Quitting cheating will not be easy because you will have to resist what you have never resisted before.

All you need to do is try monogamy. You have never done it, so how do you know you won’t like it? You can’t imagine how proud of yourself you will be when you have not sacrificed your integrity anymore. Sneaking around and lying does not feel good. Honesty and truth feels great…no matter what the price. I once heard someone say that the word “faithful” in regard to relationships means: having faith in the idea that we will not cheat.

The other issue you may want to look at is your ego. What went on in your past that makes you crave this attention? Whether you agree or not, you are subconsciously attracting this attention to yourself. You somehow believe you need the affections of others to feel good about yourself. This is not true and does not work. It is a dead end street and one lonely road.

Have faith that you can accomplish anything you want, including being in a happy, monogamous relationship without cheating and lying. Work at it the way you would with any goal. It may not be easy, but worth the reward of claiming your integrity. Besides, isn’t lying stressful?

There is something so satisfying about going to sleep at night knowing that you told the truth all day long. Do it for you and for no one else.

You can learn more about the relationship guru that is Emily Wilcox here.